Clay Ashtray Chronicles: I JUST WANT TO MAKE A PAPER FLOWER

April 29, 2009 § 2 Comments

My hot/cold, love/hate, Moonlighting type relationship with paper flowers started about a year ago.  It happened quite simply when I saw a “very simple tutorial” that involved nothing more than rolling up a piece of paper!  Before I even picked up the scissors I was making plans for giant garlands of these flowers, bouquets, headbands, shadowboxes, suppositories, load bearing walls made of EASY PAPER FLOWERS.  I mean hey, she says right in the tutorial to HAVE FUN.

 

Dozi's "fun" little flower that haunts me all my days

Dozi's "fun" little flower that haunts me all my days

 

 

Guess what?  It’s not fun.  It doesn’t work.  Don’t be fooled.  Don’t leave me a comment telling me you’ve done it because I’ll simply deem you a liar.  Don’t leave a comment telling me I’ve used the wrong paper because I’ve tried this with every weight of paper from tissue paper to origami paper, cardstock, copy paper, post its, gift wrap, construction paper, a small piece of the Magna Carta.  No.  No, I’m sorry.    When I follow her very easy instructions to “just roll up the paper until there’s no more left to roll” I get:  A PIECE OF ROLLED UP PAPER NOT UNLIKE A MINIATURE TOILET PAPER ROLL.  Oh yeah! Awesome! Yes, I’ll scatter these all over the house.

So after no less than twenty or thirty efforts, I gave up on the Dozi Rose, growling in resentment every time I see it featured in someone’s blog as a super easy paper flower!

In fact, for a while I abandoned paper flowers all together, assuming that God just hadn’t blessed me with that particular talent.  Then I was punched in the face by Eloise Corr Danch and her mind boggling beautiful work.

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 I mean, yes, it’s gorgeous.  I have no illusions of creating anything as lush and wonderful as her Macy’s Windows.  But let’s get a hold of ourselves, boil it down and realize it’s paper.  Paper cut into flower shapes and glued onto a thingee somehow.  I know flower shapes.  I know petals and stamens and pistols and leaves and tendrils and thingees.  I can draw them and cut them out.  I even know how to use floral tape.

Oh but wait!  Did you know that Paper Source sells a zillion different Paper Flower Kits?  It’s like a dream come true, if you’re some sort of billionaire heiress who finds 18.00 for paper and wire to be a reasonable price.  I went to the store, picked up the kit, looked at it, LOOKED AT THE EXACT SHAPES OF THE PETALS THEY HAD PRE CUT, and went confidently in the direction of my dreams.

I didn’t take pictures of my ‘experiments’ but I think I found an adequate summation of me, plus paper, plus scissors, plus ‘some pretty good ideas’:

paperflowersdestruction

I kicked everything off the bed, ate a bowl of ice cream and watched three episodes of Family Guy, declaring crafts stupid.  

The stars have aligned, the Lord has spoken.  No matter how much I would like to, no matter how many ‘pretty good ideas I have’, I am not supposed to make paper flowers.  The future of mankind depends on it.  I think I’ll start working on paper pesticides instead.

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A new sporadic feature…The Clay Ashtray Chronicles

March 19, 2009 § 1 Comment

As I mentioned yesterday, I experienced a crafting FAIL on Tuesday, the likes of which you’ll never see on the more wonderful, beauitful craft blogs. I assume this is because these women are hiding/burning/burying their failures and pretending that everything they lay their little crafty hands on turns to gold. (In truth, I just assume they’re better than me).  But I am not too proud to admit that while I love crafting, I am sometimes not so good at crafting because I am also tremendously impatient.  So projects with 25 or so steps in them will usually result in me trying to shave off about 8 of the steps or combine them or ‘alter them’ or whatever.  I also hate following instructions. I feel like if I use a pattern or a template or a list of step by steps, that I’m not really making my OWN craft as much as I’m making a copy of Betty Sue’s awesome craft.  So that’s another place where we hit the wall.

This feature will hopefully be a rare jewel amongst blog posts, a hilarious sidebar to cleanse our palettes after months of exquisite art, food, clothing and design that blow your mind with their craftmanship.  However, I already have two items in the last week which will have to be discussed:

– The amazing shrinking chair pad

– The kimono that became a parka

I call this feature The Clay Ashtray Chronicles (again, no banner yet) because I remember as a child that whenever I was given playdoh, salt and flour dough, baked clay of any kind, I would make an ashtray.  How wonderful.  How artistic.  How useful!

No one in my family smokes.

So there you have it.  You win some, you lose some.   Stay tuned, and learn what we learn from the losses.

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